Dancing In The Dark

Beth talked about silence, and her point was: When God is silent, because of our sin, it’s because He wants us to deal with that sin; but we tend to panic, and to force our own solutions.

She’s right, of course... But my thought was: Because we live under New Testament grace, God is never entirely absent from us–never entirely silent.

And I will pray the Father, and he shall give you another Comforter, that he may abide with you for ever; Even the Spirit of truth; whom the world cannot receive, because it seeth him not, neither knoweth him: but ye know him; for he dwelleth with you, and shall be in you.--John 14:17

Then, my mind bounced back to a couple of old blogs; and I got the coolest mental picture! From
On Boo-boo’s and Blessings:
Let’s see a picture of what unconfessed sin does. It temporarily blocks blessings... Do you remember playing in the water, when you were little? Remember hooking up the garden hose, turning the flow up as high as it would go, and using your hand to control the speed and direction of the spray? Imagine that your thumb is firmly blocking the hose’s opening, so much so, that you can feel the vacuum-effect on your fifth digit. Think of the water as the flow of God’s blessings into your life; and think of your thumb as the unconfessed sin. The water has not vanished. In fact, a thin trickle of that refreshing fluid insists on pressing past that stubborn blockade. However, that trickle looks nothing like the full flow, nor can it come near to having the same effect as the full flow.

Trickle moments are times when it’s harder to hear God. Not because He has pulled away from us, but maybe because His response to us is taking a different form than we expected...

Also, consider this concept, from
Hearing Voices (Part II):
I want you to try an experiment. Even if you don’t carry it out physically, at least let it play out in your mind, and see where it takes you. Make a list of the five people with whom you spend the bulk of your time, and yes, phone contact counts. For everyone, that list will vary. Parents, teachers, siblings, spouses, children, bosses, co-workers, friends–the type of connection doesn’t matter. Put yourself in a darkened room. Those five people are with you, and you are sitting with your back to them. Have them, each in their turn, speak one word. Your name. Can you give the name of each speaker, without looking back? The answer is likely a "yes". Look back at your list. What number was Jesus? Was He in the room?...

Now, lets go back to that darkened room and those five people... What if they didn't speak your name? What if, instead, there was some small touch? If each in turn, they held your hand, or stroked your hair, or squeezed your shoulder, or kissed your cheek?

How difficult would it be to identify those five people, without the benefit of speech? Easy, right? Maybe even comforting?...

Let’s say four of those people exit the room–leaving just you and Jesus. Now, let’s say that you are in the midst of a trickle moment. In this room, the blocked flow of God’s blessing is depicted as the darkness that surrounds us, and as the silence of Jesus.

We want to ignore our unconfessed sin, so we try to move on. We ask Him for help and guidance in another matter. No answer. We plead and beg. We rant and rave. We accuse Him of ignoring us. And in the darkness, Jesus is smiling sadly and shaking His head. Why? Because all this time–even in the midst of our fiercest tantrums–He has never once let go of our hand. Just because He’s been silent doesn’t mean that He’s absent or inactive. Though it might’ve gone unnoticed, He’s been there, waiting for us to calm down. When we do, He gets a new grip, and the dance begins.

Yes, I said dance. Think about it. Slow-dancing is about holding someone close, reading their body language, and following their lead. When you dance with a partner who knows you well, there’s no need for words; and when you do talk, I’ll bet that the conversation is not about the steps of the dance... Can you picture yourself slow-dancing with Jesus?

Women are used to letting men lead. As for the guys who read this blog–if there are any of you out there–if you are uncomfortable with the idea of dancing with Jesus, remember that this dance is not about romantic love. It’s about the unconditional love of Christ.

In this dance, the ground we move over is our own history. He leads us back to that unconfessed sin. Along the way, we see chunks of Scripture which reveal our sin as sin. We see them because we are following His lead, and He's leading us to them. He keeps leading us back to that unconfessed sin–making us face it, until we confess it, repent of it, and let Him brush it away.

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. ---1 John 1:9

Why? Because it’s getting in His way; and He’s not content to let it remain. It’s not enough, to dance in the silent darkness, covering the same ground over and over again. He wants us to move forward, in a state of growth and blessing.

Now unto him that is able to do exceeding abundantly above all that we ask or think, according to the power that worketh in us...---Ephesians 3:20

But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him. ---1 Corinthians 2:9

For that to happen, after Jesus forgives us, we must forgive ourselves. If we don’t, Satan will use that guilt to weigh us down and keep us from moving forward. Remember, he is our constant accuser; so if we cling to guit, we're just making his work easier.

And the great dragon was cast out, that old serpent, called the Devil, and Satan, which deceiveth the whole world: he was cast out into the earth, and his angels were cast out with him. And I heard a loud voice saying in heaven, Now is come salvation, and strength, and the kingdom of our God, and the power of his Christ: for the accuser of our brethren is cast down, which accused them before our God day and night. ---Revelation 12:9-10

We must remember that once God forgives it, He immediately forgets it.

As far as the east is from the west, so far hath he removed our transgressions from us. ---Psalm 103:12

For I will be merciful to their unrighteousness, and their sins and their iniquities will I remember no more. ---Hebrews 8:12

Hence, when we dwell on our guilt, we’re harping on something that God has no memory of. By the same token, when Satan whispers his accusations to God, his words carry no weight, because God holds no record of the wrong.

When we let go of the guilt, and claim the freedom that comes with forgiveness, we rob Satan of a measure of his power. Once that sin is dealt with, the flow of blessing is restored. Our dry season ends. The lights come on; and once again, we can hear the voice of Jesus.

I waited patiently for the Lord; and he inclined unto me, and heard my cry. He brought me up also out of an horrible pit, out of the miry clay, and set my feet upon a rock, and established my goings. ---Psalm 40:1-2

That’s when it’s time for another kind of dance... HAPPY DANCE!!!

And make no mistake, Jesus is rejoicing with you!

What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. ---Romans 8:31,37

Walking The Floor Over Us

Remember that newborn you were holding last time we talked? Don’t put him down. Hang on tight, and let’s zoom ahead about five months. Now, that precious little angel is teething, and you have forgotten what a full night’s sleep felt like. There’s drool on everything. You’ve gained a new appreciation for pacifiers and teething rings; and you're certain that baby ora-gel is a miracle drug.

But sometimes, none of those things help. You rock him. You talk to him. You pat him. You bounce him. You sing to him. You swing him. No change. If anything, the pitch of his screams hits a new octave. Only now, on top of being in pain, he’s mad at you. After all, your supposed to make the pain stop. He’s too little to grasp the fact that you’re not causing his pain. He can’t understand that the pain is worth it, because it will eventually result in a mouth full of teeth.

While you’re in the midst of his pain--walking the floor with him and wishing, to the core of your being, that you could take his pain into your body–would you ever drop him like a hot potato? Do his tears anger you? Of course not! Even his anger doesn’t anger you, because you understand that all he can focus on is the pain that he’s in. Even if you put him in his crib briefly, you still linger nearby--close enough touch him, still striving to soothe him. Even on those difficult nights when sleep comes from crying to the point of exhaustion, not from finding relief, you don’t let go. And when the tooth finally comes in, you rejoice for him! More than that, when they’ve all come in, and those growing pains are forever in the past, you find yourself grateful that he will be able to enjoy having teeth, without remembering the pain that he endured to get them...

Now, imagine that you are the screaming infant, and Your caring parent is our prefect God–our Abba. When we’re in the midst of a long ordeal, we lose sight of everything except our pain; and we tend to blame the one who is best equipped to comfort us.

I will say of the Lord, He is my refuge and my fortress: my God; in him will I trust. ---Psalm 91:2

God doesn’t get angry with us, even though He gets the blame for what The Devil pulls.

Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour---1 Peter 5:8

God doesn’t give up. He doesn’t let go. Our tears don’t go unnoticed. Our prayers don’t go unheard. Our anger doesn’t drive him away. We might not always notice His Presence, but He’s still there, trying to sing over our screams.For this and more Jesus pictures...

Even though we sometimes feel lonely–and sometimes cry ourselves to sleep–we are never alone.

and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.
--- Matthew 28:20b

Every brand of pain we can ever feel, Christ faced it too; so in truth, we never face any agony alone.

Surely he hath borne our griefs, and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and afflicted. But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed.
---Isaiah 53:4--5

Our Abba holds on, because He knows that–while it won’t be a mouth full of teeth–He will bring some good, some growth, out of what The Devil meant only for pain and evil.

And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.
---Romans 8:28

The only difference in us and that screaming infant? In the midst of our victory, we can recall the pain that we endured to get there. Why? So that we can carry forward the lessons we’ve learned, and so that our victorious, God-glorifying testimony is complete...

On Boo-boo's and Blessings

Consider the moments of bonding, when you first hold your newborn in your arms. Looking into that precious face, the word love is forever redefined; and whether you had planned for it or not, you are changed.
In that moment, you envision the skinned knees, the broken bones, the homework arguments, and the teenage melodramas. There will be lessons about lying, and theft, and the golden rule. However, considering their pending mistakes does nothing to lessen our love for them. We understand. After all, training them is part of our job:

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.--Proverbs 22:6.

We dread the pain that we know their mistakes will cause them. Since we can’t insulate them from all pain, we promise bandages and kisses for the boo-boo’s, sound counsel for moments of confusion, and salve and hope for broken hearts.
Knowing that, consider:

“Which of you, if your son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him! ---Matthew 7:9-11

God knows we’re gonna screw up. He knows that we’re gonna fall face-first into the muck and mire of sin. He understands. Does He relish our sin? Of course not! No more than we relish our kids mistakes. He hates the sin but loves the sinner. Understanding our sin does not mean He condones it. In short, His knowing that we’re gonna fall down does not give us an excuse to stay down. Having His understanding doesn’t give us latitude for a nice, long, self-indulgent wallow-moment, in that familiar muck.

What’s a wallow-moment?

Let’s say that one day, you correct and forgive your child for stealing a pack of gum. (There’s the initial slip and fall.) You’ve seen your kid confess and apologize to God, to the store owner, and to you; and you’ve added your forgiveness to God’s, glad that he knows how it feels to have the mud cleaned off and have a new beginning... And the next day, you enter his room and find a brand new bike that nobody paid for... (That would be the wallow-moment, folks). As a parent, how would that make you feel?

That’s how our Heavenly Father feels, when we slip in the muck of repetitive sin. Still, He doesn’t let go. He doesn’t give up. Why? Because Paul spoke Holy Truth, when he said:

“For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. I find then a law, that, when I would do good, evil is present with me. For I delight in the law of God after the inward man: But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind,and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members. O wretched man that I am! Who shall deliver me from the body of this death? I thank God, through Jesus Christ our Lord. So then with the mind I myself serve the law of God; but with the flesh the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death.”–Romans 7:19–8:2

No sin that we can commit is too big for Calvary to cover. We cannot reach beyond His mercy...

When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the charge of our legal indebtedness, which stood against us and condemned us; he has taken it away, nailing it to the cross. ---Colossians 2:13-14

Maybe, you’ve slipped and fallen. Maybe, you’re in the midst of a wallow-moment. If so, please remember that unconfessed sin does not cancel salvation.

For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, Nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord. ---Romans 8:38–39.

It does not erase relationship.

But as many as received him, to them gave he power to become the sons of God, even to them that believe on his name.---John 1:12

Do you have a mental picture of what unconfessed sin does not do? Go back to the image of that stolen bike...edrawsoft.com
Even if you did find it in his room, would you disown your kid? Unlikely.

To look at it from another angle, if I’m in Third Grade, and I flunk a math test, do I get bounced back to kindergarten?... Certainly not. Review? Absolutely. Extra homework? Probably. Retest? Possibly. Get demoted by three grades? Nope.

Why then, when we slip, do we so often act as if it’s necessary to start at the very beginning with God? It’s not. He has a plan in place for when we mess up. Notice that I said when, not if. What’s The Plan?

If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.--1 John 1:9

It was written to born-again Christians, not as a first direction to the lost; and it lays out how to mend our slips, ditch the mud, and start fresh. It says nothing about needing another baptism or a public rededication. Gratefully, it’s one on one, with Jesus, because it’s private and personalized (Mark 15:37; Hebrews 4:15–16). It’s about our personal condition, not our public position.

Let’s see a picture of what unconfessed sin does do. It temporarily blocks blessings...

Do you remember playing in the water, when you were little? Remember hooking up the garden hose, turning the flow up as high as it would go, and using your hand to control the speed and direction of the spray? Imagine that your thumb is firmly blocking the hose’s opening, so much so, that you can feel the vacuum-effect on your fifth digit. Think of the water as the flow of God’s blessings into your life; and think of your thumb as the unconfessed sin. The water has not vanished. In fact, a thin trickle of that refreshing fluid insists on pressing past that stubborn blockade. However, that trickle looks nothing like the full flow, nor can it come near to having the same effect as the full flow.

We can rant at God, over our dry season; or we can remember...

For the eyes of The Lord run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to show Himself strong, on behalf of those whose heart is loyal to Him. ---2 Chronicles 16:9a

May we act on the promise of 1 John 1:9, and get out of God’s way!

Thanks, Teacher

Hey Y’all,

Happy New Year!!!

My resolutions remain the same. My only prayer is that I will become more consistent in doing what is supposed to be daily work. (-:

I am in the midst of a study on David. Have I mentioned that I really like Beth Moore :-) She makes me think. Trouble is, sometimes, I dig where her X marks the spot. I see the ruby that she's grinning about; but I am drawn to the sapphire that rests next to it. The same verses take us to different places. Different does not equal wrong. The different gems we find remind me that The Holy Spirit’s teaching is always personalized.

He knows how much we are grasping, and what our homework should be. Say I am at second-grade level... He won’t make me struggle with a physics problem.

Neither will He let me get by with pretending that I have no clue that 2+2=4. Also, when I don’t wanna go to school, because I’m thinking, Who needs a diploma, anyway? I'm no dunce. I could teach Kindergarten! He loves me too much to let me stop at second-grade. For my sake, and for sake of those whose lives I will touch, lunchtime and recess cannot take over my days (1 Corinthians 13:11).

Thankfully, our Teacher is never absent, or impatient, or clueless (John 14:16, John 14:26, 1 Corinthians 2:10). What a blessing His Precious Presence is!

This year, may I keep the heart of a child (Matthew 18:3). Let me be eager to walk to class with Beth, and Max, and my friends–no dragging feet or stifled yawns. Thank You, for letting us sit close to you, Jesus (Hebrews 4:15–16)!...

Let the treasure hunt continue!!

Mental Pictures: Psalm 34

Wide Angle:

This is a song of praise.

I will bless the LORD at all times: his praise shall continually be in my mouth. My soul shall make her boast in the LORD: the humble shall hear thereof, and be glad. O magnify the LORD with me, and let us exalt his name together. I sought the LORD, and he heard me, and delivered me from all my fears. They looked unto him, and were lightened: and their faces were not ashamed. This poor man cried, and the LORD heard him, and saved him out of all his troubles. The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them. O taste and see that the LORD is good: blessed is the man that trusteth in him. O fear the LORD, ye his saints: for there is no want to them that fear him. The young lions do lack, and suffer hunger: but they that seek the LORD shall not want any good thing. Come, ye children, hearken unto me: I will teach you the fear of the LORD. What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good? Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile. Depart from evil, and do good; seek peace, and pursue it. The eyes of the LORD are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. The face of the LORD is against them that do evil, to cut off the remembrance of them from the earth. The righteous cry, and the LORD heareth, and delivereth them out of all their troubles. The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous: but the LORD delivereth him out of them all. He keepeth all his bones: not one of them is broken. Evil shall slay the wicked: and they that hate the righteous shall be desolate. The LORD redeemeth the soul of his servants: and none of them that trust in him shall be desolate.

Psalm 34

Now, let’s zoom in:
The angel of the LORD encampeth round about them that fear him, and delivereth them.

Angels are messengers sent by God. They are also painted as protectors (Psalm 91:11), comforters (Matthew 4:11), and warriors (Ephesians 6:12, Daniel 10:12–13 ). A warrior is a soldier, so angels are also soldiers; and Jesus is their general (Psalm 103:20, 1 Peter 3:21–22).

Keep that military image in mind... You’re gonna love this...

The angel of the LORD
One of Heaven’s Host. Armed to the teeth, and loaded for bear (or worse)...

encampeth

Pitches his tents... Makes camp. Plants himself, making clear his intent to linger, and his distaste for retreat.

round about
This means more than close by, more than very near. Think encircling. Think surrounding... Like the circling of the wagons, before the battle with the Indians... Think about that for a second. How big must he be to be able to surround you, by himself? The image that comes to my mind is me being held by large arms, in a loving and protective, shielding embrace.

them that fear him
Remember that fear, in this case, does not mean gripped by fright. This is not the trembling in the dark, huddled under the covers, horror film-born kind of fear. Here, fear simply means reverence or respect. That’s us folks! All Christians, those called by His name (John 1:12).

and delivereth them.
Here, deliver does not mean to give out. This is not the mailman handing you a letter. Here, deliver means save. As in The non-swimmer just fell in the deep end; rescue required!! And them is us!!

So, when we put all of that together, we see that when we face any battle, we have help. One of Heaven’s soldiers comes to us. Surrounds us. Then, he goes beyond protecting us. This holy warrior fights on our behalf. Talk about stacking the deck in our favor! As long as we are prayerful, we are far from powerless (Luke 11:9).

Mental Pictures: Psalm 23

I've said it before; words paint pictures. Pictures stick in our heads, like film in a camera. Yep, the mind takes pictures.

Only, sometimes, when the words are familiar ground, we run over that ground too quickly. We don't pause to see the pictures; and when that happens--especially with The Bible--we miss depth and lose meaning.

In keeping my first resolution, I've been going over some old, familiar ground. Refreshing my memory. I've made myself walk slowly, dwelling on the pictures.

Wanna see?

Okay, one at a time, I'll show you two of the most vivid images--the ones that have most recently gotten themselves stuck in my head...

First, the full Scriptures--a wide-angle view. Then, we'll zoom in, for close-ups of small pictures--shots that might be frequently overlooked.
The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

Psalm 23

Of course, these familiar words first conjure images of Jesus as our Shepherd.

Now, let's zoom in: Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies...

When my eyes run over these words, the ones in bold are a table, and the message they carry is Jesus will provide for my needs. That's true. But look at the words before a table.

Thou preparest...

David is still talking about Jesus, so those two words put Jesus in the role of a servant--just as Jesus did, when He washed His disciples feet (John 13:4--5). That brings to mind several pictures.

Jesus as chef, waiter, host. Picture Him. Spreading the tablecloth. Setting the table. Uncovering steaming, heaping platters of food. And no, it’s not all vegetables... Can you see it?

This is not choking down a cold MRE, while hunkered down, in a foxhole, listening for enemy footsteps, and dodging the occasional bullet. This is not a meal ordered through a crackling speaker and eaten from a cardboard box or a styrofoam tray–a meal that’s more grease than meat. This is not a package of crumbling peanut butter crackers that you just yanked from the vending machine–after a ten-minute fight to get that machine to take your money, and another six minutes of pounding, kicking, and shaking to get the machine to let go of your food and give you back your change.

This is a sit-down meal. Tuck your napkin in your collar. Pass the biscuits. Where’s the gravy? More peas, please. That kind of meal. We pick up our forks, prepared to dig in. Mouths watering. And just when we think it can’t get any better, it does. Jesus sits down to eat with us (Rev. 3:20).

The food includes a few of our personal favorites, because the menu is always as individualized as is The Chef’s love for us; and it nourishes our bodies, just as the conversation soothes our hearts and nourishes our souls. That “family time” grows the trust between us and strengthens the ties that bind us.

Finally, look at the end of the phrase: in the presence of mine enemies...

We are meant to relish the meal, in spite of our surroundings... Jesus does not extract us from reality to feed us. He does not give our enemies a happy pill, so they’ll be friendly for the duration of the meal. He gives us one-on-one time. We have His attention and protection. He wants us to be so thoroughly comfortable with Him and comforted by Him that--for the duration of the meal--our enemies’ proximity, their actions, and their attitudes just don’t matter.

Too often, we pass by the laid-out table and flat out run to the vending machine. Then, we turn to The Chef, in wounded dismay, when we find ourselves too weakened and weary to face our next battle.

We say, “You let me down”
He says, “You wouldn’t sit down”

Uummm....

Pass the potatoes, please!!

In The Zone

Let’s talk color. Those of you who are detail oriented most likely noticed that my blog dawned new colors, around the start of the new. I hope that the changes make it easier to read. Bright background colors aren’t very reader-friendly. :) When I finally found the right menu and began to repaint my environment, I chuckled at the irony as the background turned its current (extremely friendly) shade of gray.

"What irony?" you ask.

Well, just as I wielded my paintbrush, the thought occurred, Here goes... living in the gray zone.

Spiritually speaking, the ground that we cover, as we walk through this life, comes in three colors: black, white, and gray.

Before coming to know Christ, our only choice of dwelling space is the black zone, the one that’s devoid of light. After all, Jesus is The Light (John 8:12); and in the absence of light, what else can there be but darkness? Dwelling in that space means moving by feel. Becoming too well acquainted with Pain. Groping instead of growing. More crawling than walking. More falling than finding. Fear saturates every inch of ground, and Hope and Freedom are nowhere to be found.

When we come to know Christ and accept Jesus as Savior, we are no longer trapped in the darkness. We get to move. The white zone opens to us, and we can dwell with Jesus. It is white because it’s filled with Light. When we accept Christ, The Holy Spirit indwells us (John 14:17), and we are drawn toward The Light. We are called to cling to Christ (John 15:5). Do you have a mental image of what "clinging" means? I will give you three.

*Branch to Vine. Separate from the vine branches have no life.

*Cloak to Back. This is the image I get from Jacob’s wrestling match (Genesis 32:23–28). When he refused to let go until The Angel of The Lord blessed him, Jacob (soon to be Israel) was clinging.

*Child to Leg. Ever walked across a room with a child sitting on your foot, while hugging your leg, and finding new pitches to giggle at? Whether he was waiting to be picked up or just wanted to be where you were, that child was clinging. Can you see yourself clinging to Jesus that way? What a picture!

We can cling to Jesus and dwell in the white zone, but often we don’t choose to. Nope. We no longer like or want utter darkness, but because we are constantly struggling against our old nature, gray is more comfortable than the brilliance of white. In the gray zone, there is enough light that we don’t have to grope, but not so much light that we need to squint. We don’t need a lantern, and we don’t need sunglasses. We like that gray zone. We like it a lot! We pitch our tents; build a raging fire; and set up the beach chair, with the drink-holder and the umbrella attached. We break out the marshmallows, roast hot dogs, and smile as we get sticky-fingered from the s’mores. All the while, we sit with our backs to the blackness; and sometimes, we start to mistakenly count ourselves superior, because we are no longer groping back there.

*****

When we first come indoors on a sunny day, it takes time for our eyes to adjust, but once they adjust what was relative darkness seems normal and acceptable. That is the risk of living in the gray zone. From our vantage point, we can see Jesus. We can hear Jesus. If we choose to walk the border between white and gray, we can even touch him. We convince ourselves that touching Him is enough. Who needs to cling? Sometimes, we even forget that we are allowed and called to cling. We get used to less, accept it as normal, and rob ourselves of blessings.

We like to walk those borders: white to gray, and gray to black. It’s like walking a tightrope.

I did again, on the first day of the new year. I know the frustration that Paul was feeling when he wrote Romans 7:18–24a:

For I know that good itself does not dwell in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For I do not do the good I want to do, but the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it. So I find this law at work: Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am!

I was teetering on the boundary between gray and black. It wasn’t enough for me to stand with the toes of my sneakers right on the boundary line, where the ground starts to become dangerously slippery and downright unstable. Nope. I had to play tightrope walker (by exposing my heart to a known temptation). Then, stupidly, (thinking I had more control than I can ever possess, in my own strength) I had to push it even further. I tossed aside the pole that was helping me keep my balance, and I tried to walk that line by hopping on one foot (by letting said temptation linger far too long).

I don’t have to tell you what happened. You already know... I slipped and fell. Face-first. Pretty white sneakers and all. Into the familiar mud of repetitive sin. As I pushed myself to my feet and clumsily made my way back to the white zone, I found that I longed for a touch from Jesus.

As I reached Jesus, shock that I had no right to feel touched my voice; and I said, "I fell down."

Can’t you hear Him saying, "No?! Really?" I can see that eyebrow going up, as He shook His head and took my hand. And once again, He was faithful to do as only He can do, when we fall. He healed the hurt and cleaned off the mud (Psalm 103:12, Isaiah 1:18, 1John 1:9, Hebrews 8:12).

I find that my prayers need to change. "Lord, make me a better tightrope walker," just ain’t cuttin' it. "Lord, make all the ground as firm as the ground where you stand; so I can play wherever I want to, without getting hurt." That don’t work either. That’s like sayin’, "I wanna play in the ocean. Make it so I don’t get wet." Don’t get me wrong. He could do that, but that is not something I ought to ask of Him. I think that falls under the heading of putting God to foolish tests (Matthew 4:7).

Instead, these days, I’m praying along these lines: "Lord, help me not to rank my sin (James 2:10); and help me to hunger for light, more than I long to risk playing on crumbling, slippery ground."

May we all be eager to cling to Christ, like toddlers who cannot get enough. May we find no need for lanterns, but have a constant need for our sunglasses...